Someone I loved

                                            Someone I Loved

           As the wind blows, the dry leaves fall off slowly leaving the trees barren and lifeless. My life is now seems no different than those trees. There is a conflict in my mind and my heart is shivering in pain. Yes, I don't love anymore. I know is doesn't makes any difference and I won't be shocked if it doesn't matter to her whether I stay or leave. But I am saying these words not to her but myself, to make my heart strong enough to face the harsh reality. So I stop clinging to something that was actually never mine. I am done being the one trying and waiting always, even without knowing when she is going to show up or if she ever shows up at all. I think I should have know right from the beginning when we first met that is not going to have a happy ending. But it was I who foolishly took a chance and believed her when she said  " I love you". Now all I do is ask myself, "how could I have been so stupid?"

Though I accept that I was happiest when I had her beside me, those moments could never reach the heights of the sadness and pain I felt every time she left without saying goodbye. All  day I would be thinking "what I have done wrong?" 'Am I not good?" or may be am I just not in her league. I would ask myself these ridiculous question one after another until I had no energy to ask any further. But now it's enough I don't want to wake up everyday hating myself to someone who appears once in a blue moon only to break my heart again.

I remember my friend once said " Someone special is out there for everyone". I tried hard to be that special someone for her believing she was the one for me. But I tried in vain. Yeah, is still hurts to know I wasn't the one for her. But this is what still makes me wait not for her but for someone better. My special one who will shower me with the love I deserve. Now I know my value and I don't have be an option for someone else  and doubt or blame myself for her behavior. I deserve much more than feeling sorry for myself and weak all the time.

Looking back, I don't regret meeting her or falling for her but I do regret that all my efforts were in vain and didn't make ant sense at all. Yes, I loved her. I can't be denied. This is a bitter truth that is going to stay with me forever but as a closed chapter. Now to me she is nothing more than just…. Someone  I loved.